Public Service Annoucement: “Side face kissing”

Cartoon by: Jeff Thomas

Cartoon by: Jeff Thomas

So I don’t know the reasoning behind all this side face kissing in this country, but this is a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT to inform the community of the hazards of side face kissing, inappropriate hugging and other overly friendly greetings. In no way whatsoever is it okay to walk through life greeting mere acquaintances or worse, strangers with your actual face, mouth or lower body appendages.

1. When in a group and your choosing to be apart of a  community gathering, why don’t you also choose to display some manners. Don’t kiss me on my cheek, “friend of my boyfriends cousin” or whoever you are, whom I’m meeting for the first time. I’m unaware  of your prior mouth history and your unaware of the sensitivity levels of my skin therefore keep it clean and shake my hand. Thanks!

2. A polite nod is indeed acceptable when saying goodbye if I can’t physically get close enough to hug you goodbye. Feel free to even use one of the two hands you were born with and maybe wave goodbye. I won’t be offended that we couldn’t hug it out upon your exit. If for some reason you are hand-less then this doesn’t apply to you of course.

3. Ladies of the universe, I’m not sure how you feel about this, though it hardly matters but in no way whatsoever is it allowed or okay for you to greet my man with a full body hug. Not including close friends and family I suppose, in which case you will get a pass. However, even if your boobies are small, you’re an inadvertently clumsy hugger or you simply have never been told, you keep your whole self a decent 2-3 feet away from my man’s body at all times during a hello hug.

The above isn’t a jealousy thing everyone. It’s gross and weird and straight up inappropriate in my book. To avoid dirty looks from me for the rest of the day, try the hand shaking thing. Also, if you were born and raised in some part of the world where face kissing is normal than I suppose you are exempt…I am specifically talking to all the other folks out there who neither learned nor realize that a hug need not last for a full 7 minutes long.

4. No touching Men’s face/beard area!Never under any circumstances are you to side face kiss, smooch sound kiss or touch my man or any man other than your owns face. Being drunk isn’t really an excuse for touching on his beard and face. I get it, that fire beard is like the sun, you know you shouldn’t stare too long for fear of retinal damage but it’s so beautiful and awe-inspiring you can’t help yourself  and sometimes you’ll catch some dumb ass people who do it anyways. A polite evil eye stare from me might turn into more vicious words that may hurt your feelings. For public safety reasons let’s try to avoid this at all costs. 🙂

The reason I even mention the above is because I have noticed that women in particular seem to have no qualms about touching a mans face or beard, but if it were reversed and men casually touched the faces or hair of women they didn’t really know the cops would get called.

5.  Personal hygiene care. Carry portable hand sanitizer on your person at all times, in the event of a potential hand shake greeting, apply sanitizer to hands immediately after, rubbing vigorously until it has evaporated. This is just a good one to help keep us all safe from all this side face kissing, hand shaking and close hugging that we all seem to need to do several times in one outing.

6.  Hair touching! For no reason and under no circumstances are you to reach in the direction of my fabulously salon like flowing tresses to alert me to the fact that you like my hair, the volume, texture or color. This is a good way to ensure one or more broken fingers, which might result in substantial medical bills, which in turn will be horrible for you if you are poorly insured or lack health insurance all together. You then might have to put down a fake name in the ER since you don’t have insurance and that’s bad for our economy. So save the tax payers the hassle of having to pay for your medical bills because you had to run out on them, all because you felt like it was smart to touch my hair. This has happened to me more than you would expect btw. I too have seen a fabulous head of wonderful curls that mesmerized me for a moment. I have not and will now however ever actually touch a strangers actual head where their actual hair is because well….it’s pretty creepy. If we are not lovers then why do you feel the need to run your fingers through anyone’s hair?

7. For the safety and health of the community including those who are elderly, the infirm and those with poor immune systems but mostly for those who suffer from a lack of patience and the inability to deal with obscene tom-foolery, let’s follow the rules and guidelines for appropriate greetings, goodbyes and general body space awareness.

This has been a public service announcement!



The Do’s and Don’ts of Battlefield 4- How to be a team player

images (6)

Happy September people. This is the time of year when here on the East coast the weather is supposed to begin to turn a bit chilly. The perfect time for mulled ale, autumn vests and great IPA’s, however it’s 92 degrees today and the lesson of the day is how to turn your indoor video gaming seclusion into a progressive thing here in a newer category of my “Random Rants” section appropriately titled “Cassandra’s Do’s and Don’ts”.

One of my many talents in life is the ability to be a bad ass in video games. Surprised? Well don’t be, I love ‘Call of Duty’ and ‘Battlefield’ almost as much as my strong affinity for Hello Kitty, all things pink and baking. Having said that, the game of Battlefield, which I play on my X-box One, is one to be tackled with an organized team mentality when played online in multi-player mode. However I find that some of you folks refuse to apply the strategies for team success when playing. So I decided to make a little list of do’s and don’ts to help all those that are ruining my gaming experience.

1. Large conquest maps- please Don’t sit and camp out in a corner of the map and snipe people the whole round. Large conquest maps during online multi-player mode have 60 people with two teams of 30. Each team then has a squad made up of a maximum of 5 people. This isn’t a camping trip with Joe, Mick and Willy with hot dogs burning on the flames. This is a multi-player team effort to conquer and hold enemy bases. So get it together people.

2. Don’t stand in front of me when I’m trying to shoot down the enemy. Those of you who play this game will be familiar with the board named “Operation Metro”. In this board the layout is that of a very long railroad style facility where all the players are funneled into the middle of the board shooting and running around like crazy hoping to hit a player. Despite your skill level almost everyone winds up doing well for this reason. Well, there are some players who just stand in front of everyone else dying and re-spawning back in the same place only to get in front of all my awesome shots. So just stop it.

3. Don’t use your defibrillator to revive me unless you are going to also throw down a health pack. Thanks. Just don’t do it, being revived in an area where there are no health packs means I will be shot again and then I will die and that ruins my damn stats. Ok thanks.

4. On that note stop reviving people in the middle of a hectic area like “Operation Metro” where people are grenade happy and then I am blown up for a second time. How about using some damn strategy and reviving people who can and should be.

5. Please learn how to use your ear pieces/headphones. If you use Turtle beaches (Like I do) or some other super pair of expensive headphones while your gaming, read the instructions and figure out how the volume and mute buttons work. I don’t need to hear your 6-year-old child in the background yelling that they are hungry while we play. Or your wife screaming for you to “get off those video games”. Don’t be a dead beat dad, feed your kids, mute your mic then come back and play later folks.I can’t tell you how many times I have overheard people calling out sick from work while they are in the middle of playing Battlefield.

6. No tank parking. Some player may not know what this is so I shall explain. It’s when someone from the opposing team sits in a tank just outside the parameters of one of your bases but also within the “red zone” where your team isn’t allowed to go. This would be a fine tactic if people didn’t just sit there for the entire match, which can last up to an hour and kill the opposing teams members over and over. It’s not cheating per se however it only highlights your lack of gameplay skill and yes it is also very annoying.

7. How about stop using air burst for an entire match. And you pussies who do this know what I mean. As a result of people who pay for servers to provide an awesome custom gaming experience for those of us who don’t now make rules banning all kinds of weapons like the air burst gun because these fools are running around abusing it.

images (4)

8. If what turns you on is riding around in helicopters for the entirety of a game there is a mode called “air superiority”. Use it, learn it and live it. Get your game up if you wanna come into servers with me and learn how to shoot your damn gun. I am tired of being shot down by single passenger attack helicopters.

9. Do not cheat in bf4. There is absolutely no need for this. If hacking is what sends your panties aflame fuck your whole life and play Call of duty. 🙂

10. Don’t be that douchebag on the squad talking shit about your team when your kill score is at  zero and your deaths are 28. Get your game up suckas. We should be supportive of our team members, specifically because there are so many minors playing and as an adult I just feel a small responsibility to not berate or put down those on my team in a derogatory way. Join a private gaming session with your adult friends if you want to curse and carry on at every member of your team despite the fact that you suck.

Perhaps this list might a bit intense for video gaming but I can assure you at the prices people pay for their systems, controllers, headphones and games ensure that most of us actually care about the environment of each and every game we play. Don’t ruin it by being a jerk-off. 🙂

That’s it.

❤ Cassandra

We are abusing social media

Welcome to the first edition of a new category in my blog. It’s title “Cassandra’s Do’s and Don’ts” and is apart of my “Random Rants” section

images (4)

So….I am on Facebook but not twitter, instagram or shutter-whatever. However, people who do utilize these other social media outlets often connect them to their fb accounts and so you often are privy to the “memes” , “photos” and other various social commentary that comes with this type of extreme social activity, that is common in our generation. Here is where I come to my point.

I sometimes wish people would stop “meme-ing”, “posting”, “tagging” and whatever else you call it, about stuff, morals, do’s and don’ts that they don’t actually practice in their own life. Don’t post gross sexually explicit cartoon illustrations where the cartoons are in all kinds of sexual positions you know you’ve never tried. Save it for your weird group that meets up on Tuesdays at 5.

Don’t floss on instagram in front of a car you don’t own because you forgot it will also post on facebook. I know you in real life and you drive a 2009 Honda, not a Maserati.

Don’t take mad photos of stacks of cash after you got your income tax check and then use those photos for the next 6 months, as though you are stacking cash all day.

If you post regrettable photos that are explicitly showing your not-so-in-shape ass those are there forever and NO I haven’t forgotten you posted them.

Stop posting the intimate details of every intimate argument or discrepancy you have with your boyfriend/husband/partner, because despite the 19 comments that all start with “awww, honey you will get through it”, your friends think you look desperate for attention. Be discreet and speak in drunken generalities like the rest of us when we are angry with our spouse.

Don’t be afraid to use the ‘delete’ or  ‘edit’ button. I am 99% positive they  invented it for this exact  reason folks.

Do, however share the photos, quotes and activities that make you uniquely you.

However please don’t’ post your bigoted, racist, discriminatory shit, because that just shows us you are a bigot, a racist and  discriminatory. There are probably groups for that.

This may be a touchy subject and if you are sensitive person perhaps you should skip this one. Everyone who thinks their kids are cute are usually incorrect. You’ll know your kid is cute because we will tell you. And fuck you, friends, who lie way too often about your friends kids who are actually ugly and not cute at all. There are tons of ways to let your friends, who had mediocre looking babies before they could afford them, that you support them anyways. Send a smiley face. Post a “congratulations”. So simple folks. Don’t get crazy. Stop using words like “cute”, “gorgeous”, or “beautiful” when it doesn’t apply.

Oooohh this next one really gets me going. Please people, stop “liking” posts and comments that are clearly a personal joke between 2 other people. Don’t press the “like” button if you have no idea what the comments or posts means. Because whoever the post was really meant for, we are raising our eyebrows and saying “Bye bitch, stop crowding my news feed”. Not knowing the difference between a post that is meant for whoever might be familiar with the context and posts and the ones for the general public is like not knowing if you should  wipe front to back or back to front.  If you even thought about this comment for more than 3 seconds immediately stop reading my blog. This does not include any person(s) who may be inebriated while reading this article. You’re welcome.

If you think I have been randomly ranting for far too long now, just hold on, it continues. Feel free to take a water break and come back. perhaps save the other half for a future lunch break at work. Whatever works for you. You’ll probably be excited when you return because my Kanye-like rant actually segways into a pro-Kanye rant.

Now, granted I have never been excited about him going off, often un-prompted and unnecessarily about too much stuff. However being a small participant in social media I often read other people’s articles about Kanye. Usually popular bloggers, journalists and entertainment reporters. It seems like more often than not they are going on about how he has turned out to be the very thing he himself used to rant about not becoming. Not sure what that even means. How and why is it bad that he is absurdly in love with his woman? Who cares if he healthily obsesses, in the public eye, about his lady. Didn’t we all go  hard and wear way too many uncomfortable heels and skirts in our 20’s with the hope that we’d find a guy who would feel and act this way about us openly? The answer is yes. Bye people. Hating on the fact that his baby has a driver, nanny, protective detail and an actual Maserati at 1 years old is just messed up. So what…what you think he raps for, to push a fucking Rav-4? No. And you would treat your entourage, kids, family and friends to those things too if you had hundreds of millions of dollars too.

That’s all for today’s random rant… I greatly appreciate anyone who made it the bottom of this list. 🙂