So I don’t know the reasoning behind all this side face kissing in this country, but this is a PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT to inform the community of the hazards of side face kissing, inappropriate hugging and other overly friendly greetings. In no way whatsoever is it okay to walk through life greeting mere acquaintances or worse, strangers with your actual face, mouth or lower body appendages.
1. When in a group and your choosing to be apart of a community gathering, why don’t you also choose to display some manners. Don’t kiss me on my cheek, “friend of my boyfriends cousin” or whoever you are, whom I’m meeting for the first time. I’m unaware of your prior mouth history and your unaware of the sensitivity levels of my skin therefore keep it clean and shake my hand. Thanks!
2. A polite nod is indeed acceptable when saying goodbye if I can’t physically get close enough to hug you goodbye. Feel free to even use one of the two hands you were born with and maybe wave goodbye. I won’t be offended that we couldn’t hug it out upon your exit. If for some reason you are hand-less then this doesn’t apply to you of course.
3. Ladies of the universe, I’m not sure how you feel about this, though it hardly matters but in no way whatsoever is it allowed or okay for you to greet my man with a full body hug. Not including close friends and family I suppose, in which case you will get a pass. However, even if your boobies are small, you’re an inadvertently clumsy hugger or you simply have never been told, you keep your whole self a decent 2-3 feet away from my man’s body at all times during a hello hug.
The above isn’t a jealousy thing everyone. It’s gross and weird and straight up inappropriate in my book. To avoid dirty looks from me for the rest of the day, try the hand shaking thing. Also, if you were born and raised in some part of the world where face kissing is normal than I suppose you are exempt…I am specifically talking to all the other folks out there who neither learned nor realize that a hug need not last for a full 7 minutes long.
4. No touching Men’s face/beard area!Never under any circumstances are you to side face kiss, smooch sound kiss or touch my man or any man other than your owns face. Being drunk isn’t really an excuse for touching on his beard and face. I get it, that fire beard is like the sun, you know you shouldn’t stare too long for fear of retinal damage but it’s so beautiful and awe-inspiring you can’t help yourself and sometimes you’ll catch some dumb ass people who do it anyways. A polite evil eye stare from me might turn into more vicious words that may hurt your feelings. For public safety reasons let’s try to avoid this at all costs. 🙂
The reason I even mention the above is because I have noticed that women in particular seem to have no qualms about touching a mans face or beard, but if it were reversed and men casually touched the faces or hair of women they didn’t really know the cops would get called.
5. Personal hygiene care. Carry portable hand sanitizer on your person at all times, in the event of a potential hand shake greeting, apply sanitizer to hands immediately after, rubbing vigorously until it has evaporated. This is just a good one to help keep us all safe from all this side face kissing, hand shaking and close hugging that we all seem to need to do several times in one outing.
6. Hair touching! For no reason and under no circumstances are you to reach in the direction of my fabulously salon like flowing tresses to alert me to the fact that you like my hair, the volume, texture or color. This is a good way to ensure one or more broken fingers, which might result in substantial medical bills, which in turn will be horrible for you if you are poorly insured or lack health insurance all together. You then might have to put down a fake name in the ER since you don’t have insurance and that’s bad for our economy. So save the tax payers the hassle of having to pay for your medical bills because you had to run out on them, all because you felt like it was smart to touch my hair. This has happened to me more than you would expect btw. I too have seen a fabulous head of wonderful curls that mesmerized me for a moment. I have not and will now however ever actually touch a strangers actual head where their actual hair is because well….it’s pretty creepy. If we are not lovers then why do you feel the need to run your fingers through anyone’s hair?
7. For the safety and health of the community including those who are elderly, the infirm and those with poor immune systems but mostly for those who suffer from a lack of patience and the inability to deal with obscene tom-foolery, let’s follow the rules and guidelines for appropriate greetings, goodbyes and general body space awareness.
This has been a public service announcement!