When your friends are not really your friends. The “Get It Together” Edition


Now the following fundamental rules should be acquired and learned at an early stage in life, however most people don’t seem to pick them up until well into their adulthood for some reason. Or they at least don’t get a full grasp of the rules until much later on in life. I sorted through them and figured most of them out in my early 20’s. Also, if you are older than 16 years old and you still need to roll 20 deep you need to do some soul-searching. As you get older you find that your truly great friends are few in number because that is all that you really need. Here we go!

-Your friend isn’t your friend if you spend 90 % of your time together “upping” them. When no matter what is going on with you, it is still somehow about them, they are probably not your friend. If I have to tell you every single day, 20 times a day you look nice in that outfit, you are either insecure or really indecisive about clothing choices. Either way, its your body, wear what you want and whatever makes you feel good.

  • Your friends also don’t talk shit about you that they would never say to your actual face. Friends will preface any negative comments with ” sorry to have to say this but…” and then proceed to shit talk right to you. In a nice way of course. Being mean isn’t nice.

  • When your friend tells you that you look good even though you don’t actually look good at all, re-think your friendship. There are plenty of polite ways to alert your friend that perhaps one less layer of foundation might not be a bad idea before you go out. Or if your friend is incapable of simply saying that your ass looks fat in that dress because it actually does, then get a new friend. Friends don’t let friends wear ass enlarging outfits.

  • Don’t be afraid to alert your friends to the fact that their boyfriend/girlfriend is a dick. Everyone of course has the right to be with anyone they choose. As good friends we should support them and lift them up in positive ways in regards to relationships.  However, if you ask me what I think about a guy you’re seeing but don’t actually want the truth,we are not friends. I don’t have time to expend energy helping you over think every aspect of every text, snap chat and tweet between you two if you don’t actually give a fuck what I have to say about it. Let those friends make their relationship mistakes on their own and keep it pushing, life’s too short.

  • If your friends party at your house, crash on the couch and then proceed to slip out the next morning without helping to clean up, don’t invite them over again. Not your friends.

  • If your friends come over for a dinner party and don’t bring a dessert or some alcoholic beverage, well they were just raised with no etiquette. You don’t have to ditch them for this though.

  • If your friends don’t wash their hands out in a public establishment, say in a bar or restaurant then first of all ewwww and second they are your dirty non-friends. If this seems like an odd thing to nit pick at, I can assure I have had friends who consistently wouldn’t wash their hands in the bathroom. All I’m saying is if you’re not scared of contracting the plague from a dive bar bathroom than how much else is life can you really care about let alone me.

  • Now this next one seems like a given, however some people are dense so I’m going to say it anyways. If your friend flirts, sleeps with or attempts to sleep with your spouse they are not your friend and they probably never were. Delete them from all of your mobile sites and block their phone numbers.  I am so sick of hearing about some of you folks complaining how your man “had sex with Jamie or Kate” or whoever he is sleeping with. Like how stupid are you to first think that your ” friend”  is still your ” friend” when they slept with your man. Bye bitch. They are trash. Friends don’t sleep with other friends spouses.

-When going through a real heartbreak your friends should bring you hugs, kleenex, food an booze. If they do not they are not your friends. A lost love is hard and is supposed to hurt, so….. before your back at that bar trying to fill that void with meaningless sex to get over whoever broke your heart in the first place and potentially getting an STD, find friends who will do the vegging out thing on your couch with you until you’ve cried yourself into dehydration.

  • Drama. Uggghhh this one is hard, especially as a woman because we have a tendency to find drama where there is none. However if you have a friend who can find drama in any and every situation at all times then you probably could do without them. I mean like if your on your way to the movies or your local Starbucks and they have a “problem” with every person in line or can’t seem to forget about your other friends’ problems then they are probably poisonous.

So the lesson here is stop calling everyone your friend, letting them into your life and giving all your energy and love if they don’t reciprocate. Easy Breezy!





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