So one of my favorite stores to vigorously shop in is Costco. And if you have never been to this store, let me briefly describe to you the wonders it holds. Costco is a super store the likes of which has never been seen, if you don’t include other similar stores that also provide the same service.
Firstly you must be a yearly member in which you are required to pay a reasonable fee, so it’s got that whole secret society thing going on except it’s not so secret. This fee that you pay by the year provides you with access to the any of its warehouse locations all over the country where you can buy high quality, name-brand goods at super discounted prices and you even get a members card. Fun! There are several options for membership that you can choose from. Business level 55$/yr, Goldstar 55$/yr or the very prominent Executive levels 110$/yr all include percentage and gift incentives for shopping there. Then once you are a preferred member you have access to industrial quantities of wholesale goods of all kinds.
Need a new love seat made entirely of actual leather while also being in need of snow shoe covers? Well worry not because the couches are in the aisle next to dairy section where you can buy your 2 % milk by the case. Exciting right? Yes I thought you would think so as well. This is obviously why I choose to shop there. And the very best part of the experience is that you wind up saving thousands of dollars throughout the year because the prices in which you purchase your goods at Costco are exponentially lower than a regular grocery store.
So if you have a family of ten and need to buy tuna fish in the can, by the pound then this is the perfect place for you. Like seriously you can buy your normal box of Cheerios except their not normal they are huge giant boxes that a small supermarket might purchase to supply their whole store with.
Now is where I actually get to the point of this article, because for every good I suppose there is a bad, for every Yang I guess a Ying is there lurking in the corner shadows. If that doesn’t make sense, I am about to go into an unnecessary rant on all the crazy ass Costco customers out there. Because for the all the benefits of Costco you could easily leave wanting to rip your hair out because of all the crazies who apparently also have an executive membership just like you. So I just figured I better warn folks.
1.Why are there so many extremely old ass people who need walkers, canes, electric scooters and such at a fucking giant warehouse parked in the aisles because the batteries have died on said electric scooters? Why? Now if this seems mean in any way at all I assure you it’s not. In every single Costco I have ever been to there are people like this lurking around and it’s not like they have come to the store with some family members to help them with their monthly groceries, they all congregate together, in the aisles sitting around doing nothing. I am not even sure if they go to Costco to actually shop. They never have any substantial amount of groceries. I only ever see them with like a case of apple juice or like one large bag of bananas. This store is not for you people. Go the shop-rite down the road if all you need get is stool softeners and ginger ale.
2. Another very frustrating genre of people who frequent Costco are whole entire families. Now I am a family kind of person and I also endorse and support shopping at such a place for a large family. In fact its more cost-effective every way you look at it. However what makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever is when a mother and father bring their 4 kids, 3 of their friends from soccer practice that afternoon, aunt penny who is single and tweeting pics of all the old people in the aisles and the stroller that they are pushing around without an actual kid in it. Like, are you kidding me? With that many presumably capable adults why can’t one of them stay home and watch the kids. They run around the store grabbing large toys, because Costco also carries toys, that aren’t on the grocery list.
3. Which brings me to the number 3. People who insist on coming to Costco with an actual grocery list but don’t actually use it at all. So if this sounds like a gripe that I have that is imaginary I can assure you it is not. Let me explain. These people stand in the fresh food section or the snack aisle looking at their grocery list then back at the shelves as if to decide whether or not to purchase said snacks or fresh food items. So my theory is if you have to think about buying fresh vegetables that are clearly not on your list than you probably aren’t even going to eat them so keep it pushing. And if you’re debating on whether to buy the 8 pound bag of Lays potato chips and dip and you clearly don’t have those 8 kids then the chips are just for you and you need to also keep it pushing. Head to the fresh food section maybe. Bringing a list to a giant warehouse grocery store and not using it is dangerous for those of us who constantly run into you by accident with our cart because you can’t decide whether or not to be healthy today.
4. This conveniently brings me to number 4. You can’t park your cart in the aisle all crooked and in the way of every other person in the store who is also trying to shop. You can’t do this in any store. Well I suppose you can but it’s so rude and inconsiderate of communal space that everyone has to share. And the worst part of people like this is that when you actually politely clear your throat or say “pardon me” in a sweet voice to alert them to the fact that you need to get by, they just fucking stand there. And you know you know what I am talking about. They literally just stand there, or my favorite, they will put their hands on the cart and slightly bend their elbows pretending to move their cart to the side. Like I saw you! You didn’t actually move at all. It’s crazy. I am super polite person. I have impeccable manners actually, which is my downfall I suppose because I usually wind up standing there waiting for the person to finally acknowledge my need to get by.
5. Bathrooms in Costco are actually really clean, on a superior level in regards to public bathrooms. And you can trust me on this as an avid non public bathroom user. Like I will actually risk kidney failure due to holding my pee because I refuse to use a public bathroom. I’d rather pee in the woods than a gross public bathroom. It actually gives me anxiety to even think about using one. Having said that when I go into a Costco their bathrooms save me from an anxiety attack, which is good. What is not goo are those women who choose to go into the Costco bathrooms to fix their makeup. You can not seriously be thinking that you need to fix your eyeliner at this type of grocery store. There are no single men to pick up in the vegetable aisle. I mean Costco has a food court area, so maybe you could troll the food court for a possible grocery store pick up but I honestly frown at the options. I saw a women hog a mirror in a Costco bathroom during very busy Friday afternoon hours drying her hair under the hand dryer. Why on earth is your hair wet and further more why is it you think it’s ok to dry your hair in this particular public bathroom? Bye and bye! I am sure I don’t have to explain how incredibly upset I was that day, especially since all I really needed to do was dry my damn hands so I could continue shopping. I never dried my hands that day and wound up wiping my hands on my jeans.
6. Ohhhh just wait for this. Have you ever been standing in line, in any store and someone stands directly behind you all up on your ass like you forgot to call them the day after? Well if you have not then lucky you but every single damn time I go into Costco this happens to me. Mostly in the return line in customer section. I am not sure why everyone in the return line is so upset. I mean maybe it’s because those snow pants you bought in a size medium didn’t fit or something but that is no excuse to take that out on other folks just trying to also return their ill-fitting snow pants. Why do you need to stand so close behind me that I can actually feel you breathing on my neck? Why is your cart hitting me in the heels? Like are you going to replace my shoes because you have just scuffed them all up due to the 7 times you just hit me in the heels with your cart? No, probably not and I usually just give the very polite over my shoulder side look as to notify the person that they are literally making me so uncomfortable, I might just keep these pants even though they are the wrong size. Just stand back from me, you will get to the front of the line exactly after I have gotten there because you are behind me and so breathing on me all close like will not get you there faster as I have no choice in how fast the line moves.
7. To those parents who do decide to bring their children into Costco this one is directed towards you. So if you have a 6-10 year old who still throws tantrums then by this age you already know how they act in public places. Don’t bring them out into public places. So simple. If you already know your kid will lay on the ground in the middle of the aisle I need to get down and your one of those good parents who refuses to spank their kids in public as not to seem like a bad parent, then please leave them at home. I don;t really give a shit honestly if you can’t afford a babysitter. Give them some baby Benadryl or some candy or something that will help them behave. If your 8-year-old is still snotting all over the products in the store because you won’t buy them that toy that will probably break in a month anyways then you have a problem , clearly. And if you can’t afford a babysitter while you shop you certainly can’t afford that toy you wind up buying them to get them to stop wiggling on the floor in Costco because your embarrassed. I think they might deliver. Not sure but I definitely will find out for those reading this in dire need of delivery service due to wildly tantrum prone children.
8. Number 8 isn’t an actually about crazy Costco customers. It’s about crazy Costco cash register people who ask you if you need a bag. Now this may sound odd if you have never shopped there before. So everything you buy there, usually, comes in very large plastic wrapped boxes and such. Most things simply just don’t require a bag: a 10 pound bottle of ketchup, you just put it in your car. You can’t really bag anything. As a matter of fact I have been to many a Costco where they don’t use bags for this exact reason but I guess they can provide you with a bag for smaller electronic items or jewelry or something. The point though is that almost everything that you are going to buy at Costco will be put directly back into your cart, once purchased then directly into your car. So stop asking me if I need a bag for my giant case of blueberries, that’s it.
9. As a person who neither drives regularly nor has enjoyed driving when necessary, this is not discriminatory. I don’t have a car but you absolutely cannot shop at Costco without some type of vehicle to then transport your many items into. So there are some Crazy Costco Customers who don’t have a car so they call for a cab. Which in theory is fine and dandy and works if you’re an organized person. However there are some people who will buy multiple carts worth of goods then exit the store and park their carts directly in the entrance section. Now to understand what I am talking about you must first know that Costco has a separate entrance and exit for this exact reason, to keep the multitudes of people coming and going organized. But if you park your 2 and 3 carts in the entrance while you wait for the cab that you should have called while you were waiting in line to pay then this is bad for everyone. Then these same people become irate with you when you politely say “excuse me” as to get buy so you can put your items in your car in the parking lot. Like, I have seen people give me to devil stare like I just burned down their home or something because they have to move their crap because they are in the worst place ever to stand. Just saying.
10. Finally, and if you are still with me then I appreciate your commitment to my Random Rant section. Finally, for those people in Costco who insist on opening boxed non-food items to check for whatever your checking for, you have to stop this. Or at the very least can you please it back into its factory sealed box. Like, stop ripping open things that are in that super thick plastic that you usually need scissors to open. How are you even opening them? I don’t get it. If you need to open a pair of headphones that require scissors or teeth to open then don’t buy it if the description on the box isn’t sufficient. How about take it home and see if it works then bring it back if it doesn’t work. Costco has a wonderful return policy. It makes no sense to me and pisses me off mostly because it’s always the item that I want to purchase that’s ripped open all to hell. You can buy bras at Costco, and once I was attempting to get a pack of bras that seemed like a good deal and of course the size I needed, every box was ripped open as if someone decided they would try them on first. Go to Victoria Secret if you need try things on. This store is not for you.
Anyhow, I love Costco but you crazy super horrid warehouse shoppers need to get it together so all of us shoppers and browse, buy and leave in happiness and peace. 🙂