Let’s just get right into it then shall we?
1. Wearing those weird clogs that everyone says are comfortable but look like they take a full year to actually break in. I love those clogs. Nurses wear them and a fair amount of Upper East Side grandmothers who wear their Sunday pearls in the middle of the week just to run to the bagel shop for their lox and cream cheese supply. I actually bought a pair a few years back while in my 20’s because, as per usual, I was refusing to follow the fashion guidelines of my generation. What a mistake. I soon realized that why I only see 60-year-old women, nurses and dysfunctional 20-somethings in them. They are horribly uncomfortable if your foot is any bigger than a size 5 ( but I suppose there must be a special type since nurses where them with no problem whatsoever, I can’t really say). You can not pair them with a single pair of pants and look decent. You’ve got to wait until you’ve bought some estate sale pearls, Capri length khakis and a very fluffy dog with only two syllables in its name. Like Fifi or Coco or something like equally as awesome. And once I have all of those things I have every intention on perusing the streets of Manhattan way too slow and absurdly giddy because I have spiked my morning tea with whiskey or some other inappropriate additive for morning consumption.
2. Life Alert
I think one of the beats arguably one of the most convenient accessories a 60 + year old person can own is one of those life alert necklaces. Imagine how many potential muggers you’d ward off if they realized and ambulance and/or the authorities could be called at the touch of a button. also if you fall and can’t get up then it’s really good for that too. If you are unaware of what exactly a Life Alert necklace is, immediately stop reading this article, google an infomercial and watch it then come back and finish this article. You’re welcome.
It almost always seems perfectly acceptable for older people to stroll through public overly comfortable and casual, wearing like casual sweatshirts and shit in four star restaurants or jersey cotton moo-moo’s to the grocery store. To be clear, I’m in no way whatsoever hatin’ on the oldie’s and their ways. On the contrary, I look forward to a life when I’ll be able to wear an ill-fitting cotton burgundy blazer with velour sweatpants to like a New Years Eve party or weird clogs and my Life Alert to a baby shower or something. By that age you’ve probably earned the right to look hideous and horrendous, if you so choose, without persecution. 🙂
4. Giving young folks advice
One of the greatest things about being older than 60, I’d gather, is the abundance of knowledge you’ve hopefully acquired and then possibly passing it on to younger folks like myself. And the older the person is the more we generally tend to try to listen. Usually afraid to interrupt because hell hath no fury like your 80-something year old grandpa in the middle of one of his life stories that may or may not begin with ” When I was your age I walked 1,000 miles a day to school.” And no matter the story or life lesson that is intended they always begin with how far they had to walk to school in some storm that ravaged their village and so forth and so on. My oldie stories are going to begin how I used to get carpel tunnel in my left hand from typing on the computer so much and how this new generation has it so good, because of course by the time I am 80 years old there will be some new way of typing with your mind or something.
So, I’m not fully sure why those walkers with four legs and wheels have brakes. But they appear to be pretty awesome to me if your elderly and you actually need one of those. Although I don’t imagine your cruising around, up and down sidewalks in town are hill-like and steep. Nevertheless, in the event I require one at that age, I’m sure I will be the person those brakes were actually intended for. Some of them are even equipped with a little storage container for all of your necessities. Anything at all you may need for an elderly outdoor afternoon adventure. Your large array of 20+ pills you take daily, your adult brand diapers and pads in the event you suffer from incontinence, your plastic hair bonnet because you always think it’s going to rain and your grocery list which undoubtedly includes cherry tomatoes on it.
6. Shiny material jackets
On several occasions I’ve tried on several peach and olive colored jackets with that weird shine to them. Apparently I have to wait a few decades for that to be cool to wear out. I seriously look forward to it thought because those jackets rock!
I am knitter now, have been for a very long time and I absolutely love it, however I can’t wait until I am of the “appropriate” age so that when people see me knitting they will say ” Awwww, how cute!” instead of the responses and look I get now that say “Seriously, what are you 60?” So, yeah that will be fun.